Leaders who can combine compassion with strength, who connect rather than command, often inspire more loyalty, trust and resilience. So why isn’t empathy more common and why is it such a powerful tool in any leadership situation?

Former New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern is often credited with bringing empathy in leadership. During her five-plus year term, she challenged the long-held belief that authority requires detachment and her response to the Christchurch mosque massacre in 2019 became a defining example.

She led with humanity, embracing victims’ families, wearing a hijab in solidarity, and demonstrated that compassion can be a source of strength in leadership.

Why don’t more leaders embrace empathy when it clearly works?

It’s not as simple as it sounds, argues Daniel Murray, leadership expert and author of The Empathy Gap. Managing a team shaped by diverse backgrounds, perspectives and life experiences fundamentally calls for curiosity, and a genuine commitment to understanding what drives everyone.

But what builds trust and understanding with one person might completely miss the mark with another.

“Social media and hyperconnectivity have amplified our differences,” says Murray. “This feeling that ‘no one understands me’ can drive loneliness and division for some.”

But this is exactly where leaders have an opportunity and a responsibility to make a difference. Empathy is a capability that can be developed and nurtured, not an innate trait only a few chosen people have.

“We are wired to seek out people who agree with us,” Murray explains. “But real connection and effective leadership comes from learning to understand people who don’t.”

Here are six strategies to use empathy successfully as a leader.

1. Keep the human in the AI loop

As AI becomes embedded in leadership and decision making, empathy is what will distinguish effective leaders, says Murray.

“Every accounting firm in the world should be thinking, ‘How do I bring people with more data science knowledge into my business? How do I connect with those people to improve the way I do things so I can use AI more effectively?’,” he says.

“At its core, this is about understanding other people’s language and making sure our focus remains on them.”

But it is not just about hiring the right people or using the technology efficiently. Empathy is essential in guiding how AI is applied.

“We need empathy to help navigate ethical pitfalls and ensure solutions address psychological, not just logical, human needs.

“We need to anticipate these ethical gaps and focus on the human impact. Empathy in this context involves thinking through how humans will interact with this. How will it impact human beings?” says Murray.

2. Lead with curiosity

Empathy requires acknowledging that you have pre-existing assumptions, beliefs, goals and desires, and actively attempting to push them aside during a conversation. The objective is to explore with interest, rather than looking only for what you want to hear, says Murray.

“It is essential to seek to understand things in other people’s language and ensure the focus remains on them.

“Every time you want to jump in and say something, find a practice to help you listen so you don’t jump in straight away. Count to five or give yourself three breaths and see where it goes from there,” advises Murray.

3. Address issues head-on

Being nice is often confused with empathy, but it can often just be a way of avoiding a hard conversation. This avoidance is more about a leader or manager worrying about their own feelings: concern about how they are viewed or wanting others to like them, says Murray.

When staff issues arise – whether it’s a performance problem, a compliance concern or something that puts a job or the business at risk – a leader has a responsibility to address it.

“People tell themselves: I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I don’t want to say something that’ll upset them. So instead, they say nothing at all or they dress it up so it sounds like a compliment, or disguise it among other points so the real message gets lost,” says Murray.

“The goal isn’t to criticise but to help the person improve. Addressing problems openly is, ultimately, an act of care,” he adds.

4. Make empathy a habit

Empathy is usually most needed when people are feeling stressed, challenged or under pressure, but unfortunately busy-ness is one of the biggest killers of empathy.

“When people get busy, they tend to shut down conversations and just focus on action. Instead, empathy should be used regularly to proactively build trust and understand people’s preferences before a major issue arises,” says Murray.

For instance, instead of relying on exit interviews when someone leaves to find out what the problem is, leaders should be regularly checking in: ‘How are you feeling? What’s going on? Is everything OK?’.

“Regular practices, like checking in on something personal a team member mentioned the day before, help build the necessary trust. When leaders postpone one-on-ones because they are too busy, they fail to show up for their colleague which damages the relationship necessary to handle future challenges,” says Murray.

5. Use empathy with feedback

Giving negative feedback can be tough for some people. But if you make sure you are not delivering it because you are angry or frustrated, it makes it much easier to give and easier to hear, says Murray.

“Focus on objective behaviours, rather than perceived attitudes. Often, we give feedback based on what we think someone’s attitude is but that’s really just our interpretation.

“Instead, identify the specific behaviour. For example, if someone missed deadlines, you could say: ‘I noticed you missed the deadlines on this project and this project in the last two weeks’. This way, both parties know exactly what the feedback is about, without assumptions or extrapolations,” he explains.

Flex your empathy as you consider why the person might have missed the deadlines.

“You could ask something like: ‘I imagine something else came up. What’s going on? Are you OK?’” Murray says.

The next step is to ask how you can help and commit to following up.

“Ask them whether moving things around in the diary will help. What’s in the pipeline? What can you do to support them to help that come to pass? And then how can you make sure you check in and ensure that it has taken place,” says Murray.

6. Defuse conflict with understanding

Managing conflict within teams is another scenario where empathy can be of service, says Murray.

“We love clear good guys and bad guys, and in team conflicts those instincts naturally kick in. Managers and leaders often end up acting like adjudicators or referees, rather than guiding the process.

“A more effective approach is to focus on understanding the conflict. What are the differences? What’s driving them? And how do we chart a path forward?

“A useful question to ask in these situations is: ‘do I want to be right, or do I want to get the right outcome?’” says Murray.

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Take aways

To find out about a framework on how to resolve challenges in the workplace and for case studies, tools and actionable strategies take a look at Amy Jacobson’s The Emotional Intelligence Advantage: Mastering Change and Difficult Conversations, and also the 2023 ebook by Heather E McGowan and Chris Shipley, The Empathy Advantage: Leading the Empowered Workforce.