Have you ever felt defensive when you’re receiving negative feedback? If so, you’re far from alone.

“Defensiveness is a very normal biological and psychological response when we feel our integrity is under threat,” says Rachel Service, CEO of Happiness Concierge.

She has identified five major threats that could trigger a defensive reaction in a feedback situation.

1. Security: is my job safe?

2. Status: is this going to change how others see me?

3. Finances: is this going to affect my income?

4. Autonomy: will I have more restrictions or responsibilities?

5. Relationships: is this going to affect relationships I value and need?

“These threats can feel very real because your amygdala is on alert – the part of the brain with the job of keeping you safe,” she says. “It’s poised to signal other areas of the brain that you need to protect yourself.”

Communication and soft skills specialist Leah Mether finds that receiving feedback can be particularly challenging for team leaders.

“Far too often, they expect their teams to embrace feedback but struggle to receive it themselves,” she says. “They don’t model the behaviour they want to see in others. Yet feedback is the gift of insight into your team’s perspectives and emotions. As a team leader, your ability not only to accept but also truly welcome and learn from feedback is vital for your personal growth, team dynamics and organisational success, all of which support your career development.”

Having some practical strategies in your toolbox can help you feel more confident and in control when receiving negative feedback. Our experts share their suggestions.

Tips by empowerment expert Rachel Service

Don’t take feedback personally

It’s easy to interpret negative feedback as a personal attack. If you can depersonalise the experience and see feedback as data to drive your career forward, you’ll find yourself shifting from a fear zone into a curious zone, thinking about which pieces of information may be helpful in your career.

Create a grounding thought

A go-to thought can remind you of the facts and help you stay cool in the moment. For example:

• I’m just getting data. I don’t need to respond

• Listen and work out what the message is first.

Look for agreement

Good feedback sessions end with agreement about what will happen next. Saying something like ‘Let’s agree on what that could look like’ can lead to a plan of action. If making an agreement in the room feels like a step too far, you can say, ‘You’ve given me a lot to think about. Leave it with me and I’ll come back to you’.

Tips by soft skills specialist Leah Mether

Get curious not furious

When someone offers feedback, shift your focus from formulating your response to getting curious about what they are saying and genuinely trying to understand their perspective. This requires courage and vulnerability. Often, we only half listen, while the rest of our brain focuses on crafting a comeback. To truly receive feedback, take a deep breath and prioritise listening to comprehend, not just to reply.

Assume positive intent

Most people give feedback with good intentions, even if they sound harsh or critical. Try holding on to the belief that you both have the same aim – to achieve a better outcome – even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying.

Drill down to specifics

Encourage the person giving feedback to be specific about their concerns, rather than accepting vague statements like ‘the whole thing is rubbish’. You need to check their reality by knowing how they reached that conclusion. Ask for examples to help you see the issue more clearly and determine whether the feedback is grounded in fact.

Take a breath

When we’re presented with challenging feedback, emotions can run high. Ask for time to reflect before continuing the discussion. If this isn’t possible, have a drink of water, take a deep breath or say something like, ‘Let me think about that for a moment’. Taking even a few seconds to consider your response will be helpful.

Look for the learnings

Even feedback that’s hard to hear can include valuable lessons. Look for information that will help you to grow, improve and refine your performance. It’s also important to acknowledge the courage of the person who shared it with you. You don’t have to be grateful for what they said, but at least they said it to your face, rather than behind your back.