Correct me if I'm wrong
Passive-aggressive behaviour adds a toxic layer to workplace culture, so why is it so common? Here are some of the classic signs and how to manage it.
Quick Take
- Passive-aggressive behaviour is an indirect expression of frustration or hostility towards others.
- Causes include an avoidance of direct conflict or confrontation, or feelings of organisational injustice.
- Fostering a culture of clear, open communication can reduce and manage the behaviour.
If you’ve ever received an email from a colleague that includes a phrase like ‘as per my last email’, ‘any updates on this?’ or ‘correct me if I’m wrong’, there’s a chance you’ve been on the receiving end of passive-aggressive behaviour. If that colleague has CC’d your team or your boss in that email? It’s almost certainly the case.
Few of us are completely happy in our job every day of the year. Perhaps you’ve received an unrealistic deadline, or a colleague hasn’t pulled their weight. But responding in a passive-aggressive way will rarely give you what you want. In broad terms, it involves an indirect expression of frustration or hostility towards others and it can manifest in various ways, from procrastination and snarky emails, to sullenness, avoiding communication, mean-spirited gossip or making deliberate mistakes.
Passive-aggressive behaviour can erode relationships with colleagues, build resentment within teams and presents a challenge for leaders to manage, so why is it a default response for so many in the workplace? How can you recognise and manage it in others? And, if you’re inclined to behave in a passive-aggressive way, how can you change your mindset?
More than words
The term ‘passive aggressive’ was introduced during WWII by US army colonel William Menninger. Writing in an army bulletin, he described soldiers who expressed their dislike of assigned duties by taking “passive measures, such as pouting, stubbornness, procrastination, inefficiency and passive obstructionism”. Menninger believed the behaviour was a sign of immaturity and a reaction to “routine military stress”.
In the context of the workplace, Dr Lucy Xing, lecturer in organisational psychology at the University of Auckland, describes the behaviour as a form of workplace aggression, where people say or do things that are not consistent with their true feelings.
“It’s commonly seen in employees who purposefully do not deny false rumours about someone, or don’t transfer information needed by a colleague,” she says. “Or, they may intentionally not return their phone calls, or even give someone the silent treatment. It’s a pattern of expressing negative feelings covertly, rather than openly addressing why you feel frustrated or angry.”
Rebecca Houghton, founder of consultancy BoldHR, says there are linguistic cues for passive-aggressive behaviour.
“When people put the emphasis on the word ‘you’, for example, there’s often some aggression underlying their sentence,” she says.
Houghton adds that the overuse of formalities in emails is another giveaway.
“It’s like a well-mannered attack and it suggests that someone is hiding their feelings behind formal barriers,” she says. “If, for example, they write ‘as per my last email’, what they probably mean is ‘you still haven’t responded, I don’t understand why, it’s creating a problem for my workload and now I’m getting angry about it’.
“The problem is that this kind of behaviour generally makes matters worse for everyone because people can doubt your motivations, become defensive or mirror the behaviour back at you.”
Beneath the surface
Keeping in mind that if passive-aggressive behaviour is unproductive, why not just say what’s really on your mind? Xing explains that some people simply have a predisposition to respond to situations with hostility. And, as outward aggression is viewed as unacceptable in the workplace, they bury it just beneath the surface.
“An employee’s workplace cultural background may also have an impact,” says Xing. “For example, if an employee comes from a collectivist culture or country, they may tend to avoid direct conflict or confrontation and then they may display passive-aggressive behaviour.”
Another predictor of passive aggression in the workplace is employee’s perception of organisational injustice, adds Xing.
“Employees who feel that they’ve been treated unfairly may deliberately express passive-aggressive behaviour as a form of retaliation toward their company or co-workers,” she says.
Neisha Voot is an organisational psychologist and founder of Niche Consulting, which provides services including psychometric testing that measures a person’s tendency to be passive aggressive. She says the behaviour often stems from feeling underappreciated or overworked.
“Often, the reason for this kind of behaviour is that people feel put upon or that they’ve already given so much to an organisation, but they won’t actually come out and say it,” she says. “They hope their behaviour will give a signal for others to work out, but what often happens is that the other party might then distrust them, because they think that they’re trying to sabotage a project, for example, when in fact they’re just feeling overloaded and want you to recognise it.”
Voot says that while passive-aggressive behaviour can be a form of bullying, it often manifests when people allow their concerns to bubble beneath the surface.
“Most people prefer to avoid difficult conversations or confrontation,” she says. “Most of the workforce is probably actively avoiding it right now.”
“Most people prefer to avoid difficult conversations or confrontation. Most of the workforce is probably actively avoiding it right now.”
Dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour
As passive aggression is indirect, Xing says it can be challenging to identify. She suggests looking for patterns of behaviour, rather than isolated incidents.
“If the passive-aggressive behaviour happens again and again, or if they direct the behaviour toward you and toward others, it’s likely to be a pattern.”
Michelle Gibbings, a workplace expert whose books include Bad Boss: What to Do if You Work for One, Manage One or Are One, says it’s important to question your assumptions about someone’s behaviour.
“If you think that someone is passive aggressive, you’ve got to challenge yourself,” she says. “Is it just your interpretation? This is why it’s so important to have direct conversations to really understand where they’re coming from and to open up lines of communication.
“If you are in a leadership role, provide feedback,” adds Gibbings. “Share the examples of the behaviour that you’re seeing. For example, you could say, ‘I’m noticing that when we’re having conversations, it seems like one thing is said but something else is actually done, and I want to understand what’s causing this and how we can work together’.
“Seek to understand where your employees are coming from because if they’re exhibiting passive-aggressive behaviour, they’re doing it for a reason,” says Gibbings. “They’re either trying to achieve some type of objective, or perhaps they’ve been socialised in such a way that it’s become their coping mechanism for managing stressful situations.”
If you receive a passive-aggressive email from a colleague, Houghton recommends picking up the phone, rather than typing a lengthy response.
“If you get this kind of email from a co-worker who CCs the rest of the team, flick them a note back that says, ‘Hey, it sounds like something’s not working for you, so I’m going to give you a call’. Give them a warning that you’re going to call them because some people will feel confronted if you call immediately and they may become defensive.”
Saying what’s on your mind
Gibbings says if you’re inclined to behave in a passive-aggressive way, a mindset change is possible and it starts with self-awareness.
“There are two sides to this,” she says. “One is the sense of understanding yourself and what drives and motivates you, and the other is understanding the impact that your behaviour has on others. Some people have quite high internal self-awareness but low external self-awareness and vice versa, but the best way to really elevate your selfawareness is to get feedback from people.”
Practising mindfulness can also help to shift your mindset, says Xing.
“Mindfulness refers to a mental state that focuses on the present moment, which allows individuals to fully experience what is happening right now without judgement,” she says. “Practising mindfulness can increase your self-awareness, so you can ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling right now? What’s causing this feeling and what is the most effective way to respond?’.”
Xing adds that developing effective communication skills, such as active listening, clear expression of thoughts and conflict resolution can also help you to express emotions in constructive ways.
Houghton also recommends “labelling your emotions.”
“People often respond in a passiveaggressive way when they’re caught by surprise, or if they haven’t had time to plan their response,” she says. “It’s much more effective to tell people how you feel. If you’re in a meeting and everyone’s pushing you towards a decision that you’re uncomfortable with, voanother ice your concern by saying, ‘I’m uncomfortable with making a decision on the spot and I need a bit of time to think about it.’
“If you have an emotion, label it, so that people understand how you’re really feeling,” adds Houghton. “It’s not confrontational, it’s just honest. People will generally respect that.”
Seven passive-aggressive phrases and what they really mean
1. “No offence, but…”
If someone prefaces a sentence with no offence, expect to be at least mildly offended.
2. “As per my last email.”
The formal nature of this sentence suggests someone is annoyed at following up on their email.
3. “You’re being too sensitive.”
This phrase is often a form of gaslighting, which is a technique used to undermine a person’s perception of reality.
4. “If you really think that’s a good idea.”
This can cause a person to doubt their opinion by suggesting that it’s actually not a good idea.
5. “Correct me if I’m wrong.”
This may suggest that a person believes that they are right, and you are wrong.
6. “I was only joking.”
This line is a common defence when someone’s behaviour has caused offence.
7. “Any update on this?”
This phrase can be used to apply unreasonable pressure to achieve an outcome or response.