Good negotiation is a strategic blend of science, strategy and creativity that requires both logical analysis and the ability to read and influence people effectively. But for many people, entering into negotiation in a professional environment can seem intimidating and is often associated with high-stakes or confrontational scenarios.

In reality, negotiation is an essential life skill and mastering it can open doors to greater opportunities and more effective communication, both professionally and personally.

At work, formal negotiations might involve securing a pay rise, delegating tasks or resolving team conflicts. Outside of work, it could be convincing a toddler to take a bath or deciding who crosses town when picking a restaurant with friends.

Regardless of the context, negotiation is a key part of our daily decision making. And yet, there is still reluctance to engage in negotiation in a professional sense. For example, research shows 55% of people don’t ask for a higher salary when offered a new position, even though 73% of employers indicate they would willingly have the conversation.

It’s not just about getting a pay rise. Harvard Business School research shows that negotiation skills are vital for managing interpersonal conflicts, building stakeholder relationships and achieving business objectives. So, why are so many people reluctant to negotiate?

This hesitancy could easily be addressed with some preparation, argues negotiation specialist and author of The Negotiation Playbook: Strategies That Work and Results That Last, Glin Bayley.

“Often the perception people have is that negotiation is manipulative, it is tough, it’s aggressive. But if you break it down, at its core it’s a conversation to reach an agreement that suits everyone in some way,” says Bayley.

“Every conversation where we’re trying to come to an agreement is essentially a negotiation. But we don’t look at the world that way – we think negotiations are a very specific context for a very specific need.”

“I have never met a strong negotiator who lacks a high level of emotional intelligence. It plays a crucial role in managing the energy in the room, especially in high-conflict environments where navigating emotions effectively is essential.”

Key characteristics of good negotiators

Good negotiators possess some similar characteristics that not only help them navigate complex discussions but also foster trust, collaboration and long-term solutions.

One of the most important skills for any negotiator is active listening, says Bayley.

“Listening is the foundation of any good negotiation. Good communication is also very important – a good negotiator articulates their position effectively, while also being open to feedback and counterarguments,” she says.

Well-developed emotional intelligence also helps good negotiators navigate tense situations and find ways to address underlying concerns that might not be immediately apparent.

“I have never met a strong negotiator who lacks a high level of emotional intelligence,” says Bayley. “It plays a crucial role in managing the energy in the room, especially in high-conflict environments where navigating emotions effectively is essential.”

For leadership expert Rebecca Houghton, negotiation is more about problem solving than a competition to get the best result.

“Great negotiators approach it as collective problem solving. Once everyone agrees there’s a problem, it’s much easier to say, ‘Let’s sit down and figure out how we can fix this together’.”

Rather than a back-and-forth battle, ideas flow naturally. One person suggests something, another builds on it and solutions start to take shape, she explains.

“At that point, it doesn’t even feel like a negotiation. Instead of sitting face-to-face in opposition, you’re working side by side. That shift in dynamic makes a huge difference,” she says.

“Great negotiators approach it as collective problem solving. Once everyone agrees there’s a problem, it’s much easier to say, ‘Let’s sit down and figure out how we can fix this together’.”

Learning the art and science of negotiation

Good negotiators, whether at work or in personal situations, rely as much on strategy, preparation and understanding human behaviour as they do on creativity or charm. So, while you may not need spreadsheets or a formal strategy to get your three-year-old into the bath, understanding the motivations and psychology of a toddler is crucial.

It might be surprising to some that similar principles apply in high-stakes business deals. Being adept at reading the room, anticipating objections and finding common ground can also be surprisingly useful.

“Most people think negotiation is what happens at the table,” says Bayley. “They think, ‘How do I pitch my idea in a way that others will agree to it?’. However, when you start becoming intentional about negotiation, it’s about thinking ahead. ‘What would I need to consider long before I get to the table to actually influence the outcome that I want?’.”

In a workplace, this involves having conversations in advance, sharing ideas and getting feedback from key stakeholders who will be part of the decision-making process.

“Negotiation is much more subtle when done well,” she adds. “We start thinking about who’s going to be in the room, what their objectives or agendas might be and what it is that they value more than what I value.”

By considering these factors, you can approach the dialogue in a more thoughtful and strategic way.

“The power of negotiation is often overlooked,” she adds. “When applied with intention, it creates more robust, valuable conversations.”

Choosing the right approach

Noa Sheer, negotiation theory academic and co-author of Effective Negotiation: From Research to Results, says people often take either a rights-based or interest-based approach to negotiation, or a combination of both.

With the interest-based approach, you frame your request not as a demand based on what you think you are entitled to, but as an opportunity for the other party, she argues.

“Rather than defending your position with hard evidence, you sell it as something that benefits them. For instance, ‘If I get a raise, I’ll be able to stay longer in this business and dedicate more time to my role, which will ultimately be more sustainable for both of us’. This turns your request into a mutually beneficial opportunity,” says Sheer.

Choosing the right approach and adapting as you go ahead are also very important. Sheer recommends planning the approach carefully.

“Start by considering what matters to your colleague. What are their priorities? What do they want to achieve long term? Are they focused on their personal legacy, short-term KPIs, managing a budget or retaining top talent? Understanding their priorities is essential,” she says.

Having this insight allows you to present your case by blending both approaches. “You can provide evidence of why you’re deserving of the request, while also demonstrating how it aligns with your colleague’s interests and long-term goals.

“Rather than simply blurting out your idea and relying on willpower or personality, take the time to set the stage. Have conversations in advance with key stakeholders, share ideas and gather feedback. This helps you understand their perspectives, which is crucial when trying to shape the discussion,” says Sheer.

Providing the solution

Thinking about a negotiation in a different way helps people approach it with less stress and in a more effective way, says Houghton.

The traditional interpretation of negotiation often feels adversarial, she says. “People talk about ‘bringing it to the table’, as if there’s a barrier between them; thrashing out a deal where one side wins and the other loses,” says Houghton.

“That mindset is deeply ingrained, but reframing negotiation as a collaborative, problem-solving process can completely change the experience.

“There are certainly jobs where being a negotiation expert really helps – procurement, law and so on,” Houghton explains, “but most of us are not in those jobs. Most of us aren’t facing those high-stakes scenarios very often.”

“There are certainly jobs where being a negotiation expert really helps – procurement, law and so on,” Houghton explains, “but most of us are not in those jobs. Most of us aren’t facing those high-stakes scenarios very often.”

In fact, she argues the everyday scenarios are opportunities for negotiation, although we might not always recognise them as such.

“We face day-to-day requests, positions, agendas and decisions at work with our teammates, with people we interact with regularly. We often want to adjust things slightly to make them more convenient, easier, faster or better.”

By shifting our mindset, negotiation can feel much more manageable.

“When we think about it like that and de-stress ourselves, it can be as easy as negotiating your diary, negotiating when you’re going to have a meeting,” Houghton says. “These are all micro ‘nos’ until we find a collective ‘yes’ that’s convenient enough, that’s good enough for everybody.”

The key point is that it’s not about perfection, she says.

It’s not about perfection, she says. “It’s never perfect for anybody and that’s the shift in mindset – is it good enough for everybody, even if it’s not perfect for anybody? Perfect for somebody is a win-lose mindset, and that’s not the goal,” says Houghton.

Sheer points to some common misconceptions about negotiations.

“The first is that any request comes at the other party’s expense, making the conversation feel uncomfortable,” she says. “The second is the fear that negotiating will harm the relationship and make the other party like them less.

“These are two really good reasons to avoid negotiations, except that if you learn the skills needed in negotiation, you can be the solution,” she says. “You could be the best thing that’s happened to them that day because they have a problem that you’ve just solved for them,” she says. “And secondly, the negotiation could be an opportunity for you to nurture that relationship for the long term.”

What to do when things veer off course

Things can change direction in negotiations at any point, no matter how prepared you may be. Knowing this may occur is actually part of the preparation, says Bayley.

“Developing a level of emotional intelligence, including self-awareness and self-regulation, will help you cope with how the other person or party is reacting to your approach,” she advises.

“Most people think once they’re in a negotiation, they have to keep going. But if you feel like you are off track, asking for a moment to pause and collect your thoughts while staying in the room is acceptable.

“Knowing how to do that confidently is a skill that all good negotiators have and we shouldn’t be afraid to develop, so we have the conversations needed in any negotiation.”